And the world just exploded...

Holidays in general are always emotional for my family, but this year is already proving to be a bit more stressful.  Of course certain days are worse than others.  Mother's day was one of the more emotional ones so far.  Between preparing for the worst with my Aunt Donna, Alisha's baby coming seven weeks early, and what ever the hell is going on between my parents, it's like I am on an emotional rollercoaster.


My aunt Donna hasn't' been in good health for some time.  She had breast cancer and kicked it's butt, but recently here health has started to decline rapidly.  She became sick last a couple of months ago, has been in out of the hospital multiple times, had fluid drained from her lungs, and now is fighting a downhill battle of lung caner.  She was put into the Hospice home around two weeks ago.  They are predicting that there is only about two months left.  It is hard to watch a woman that was once so lively start to fade away.  Her heart is weak and her body is tired.  Also watching her husband mourn for her is heart breaking.  The love that they have for one another is amazing.  Billy is currently in a situation to where he cannot do for his love like he used too.  Most days it is a challenge for him to even walk.  We are trying everything we can to make things a little easier for them and their only son Brian.  I see myself in Brian later down the road.  He is an only child like myself.  I cannot imagine what the burden must be like to have to carry that weight.  All I have to say is that poor Gary will have a basket case on his hands when the time comes for me to have to do all the things that Brian is currently going through.


Then there is Alisha and her little family.  Her youngest son was delivered seven weeks early and they are currently staying at the Ronald McDonald House.  Little Braxton is staying in an incubator and on oxygen.  This is another stress that I couldn't imagine having to go through.  The thought that you have a child that you cannot help.  We are hoping and praying that he becomes healthy enough to come home soon!


Then there is my immediate family....  I have no freaking clue what is going on there!  It seems to be falling apart.  Not exactly sure as to what brought it on, but I intend to find out in the very near future!  How do you throw away 37 years of marriage?  What snapped in your head to just want this all of sudden?  Why would you want to leave someone that has supported, loved and stuck beside you through the good and bad?  Of course I realize that you have your disagreements.  I realize that you argue, but when you have a parent come to you in tears asking why the other party wants a divorce, what do you say?  Especially when it hit you like a ton of bricks.  It is rare that I see my daddy get emotional but lately it has been more so than not.  It hurts to see them going through this.  I am planning on sitting down with them and hashing this out with them to see where all of this is coming from and what in the world is going on!


Lastly, I finally cleaned out my old room at my parents house on Saturday.  I closed a chapter in my life that needed to be closed way before now, but it has taken me about ten years to do it.  I was going through the things that were in the room and came across a box.  Without opening it, I knew exactly what was in it.  I opened it viewed the contents got the things out that needed to be gotten.  Almost everything in this box were things from an extremely toxic relationship before Gary.  I grabbed the box, matches, and bag for starter, took it outside and watched it go up in flames.  As crazy as it may sound this was what I needed to do, I needed to watch these things disappear.  I should have done it sooner.  Watching the flames come out of the box and knowing what it was destroying gave me some peace in an area that I haven't peace about in a long time.  With the burning of that box, I am ready to stop letting my past dictate what my future is going to look like.  I am going to take my therapist's advice and finally start a new slate, with Gary of course!  Things are in motion.  By next year we will be in a new place, new environment with new adventures.






"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them" - Rabindranath Tagore